Come back after long silence...

Thank you for responds for my previous entry...and luckily all the responds on besides me...yes..I understand and realize that for phd journey doesn't mean that you must brilliant or genius but the most important is HARDWORKING AND SMART....unfortunately and currently my self-esteem doesn't enough to make myself be hardworking as best that I can be...I'm too afraid...yes...too afraid..too afraid....with variety tittles I have to hold on my shoulder...n unfortunately right now..my motivation too low-the lowest that I feel so, for my phd works...maybe I miss my mom n my family in malaysia so much(one of reason I think...)

I don't want blame other factors or peoples surrounds me...the most important is my self-esteem motivation....I know many of my friends too pity on me....yes...thank you for concern ..but sometimes..the suggestion that they throwed to me(eg. hire maid @ helper from homecountry, ask my mom to come for take care my kids etc)...I can't implement it now due on some reasons...it is not easy too....I know how I am...sometimes I feel stress with the suggestions...I also know how my childrens behaviour....is not easy...is not easy...is not easy...my spouse@husband always said to me...'takpelah biarlah kita susah2 skrg insyaallah kita akan senang kmdn(after get phd insyaallah)....lgpun hidup di dunia ni ibarat roda..takkan selamanya di atas..dan takkan selamanya kita di bawah...umpama bait2 lirik on songs below...

Aku sebutir pasir
Senandung rindu mendayu
Mengiring langkah yang makin tersungkur
Terlalu jauh pendakian
Begitu tingginya harapan
Bermusim lama mencari
Tak ku temui sampai kini

Tak henti jiwa dipalu
Dugaan demi dugaan menguji
Rebah dan bangun sendirian
Mencari bumbung perteduhan
Mereka riang tertawa
Aku hanya sebatang kara

Perjalanan masa
Mengajar hati
Semakin tabah kini
Di dalam kemarau dan gerimis
Aku tetap gagah mengharungi

Tuhan
Aku bagaikan sebutir pasir
Yang lemah lagi kerdil
Teguhkan keimanan jiwaku
Agar ku tak terpesong darimu......

Beribu teman ketawa
Payah ku temu
Yang sanggup bersatu
Di dalam susah dalam senang
Yang hadir cuma kepalsuan
Dugaan demi dugaan
Aku pasrah menadah tangan